Reprinted with permission from the Allenspark Wind, December 2023 Vol. 50, No. 11, Pg. 22, by Edward Yagi
One chapter in the 30-year, saga of internet access in Greater Allenspark is about to end. A new, game-changing chapter – the expansion of fiber optic cable broadband to any home on the Estes Park power grid – is about to begin.
As 2023 comes to a close, the big question on everyone’s mind is “Why is the world still at war? Wasn’t globalization and economic integration supposed to put an end to this nonsense?” One thing is for sure: most of us are happy to be in Allenspark rather than Kyiv or Gaza City…despite Allenspark STILL having worse internet than either one.
This raises another big question which, happily, doesn’t involve war (at least, not yet): when, exactly, will Estes Park Power & Communication’s “Trailblazer” high-speed fiber optic cable service reach Allenspark? Are they late? Are they behind schedule? Have they forgotten about us? Are they unaware that Allenspark even exists?
It turns out that the answer to all these questions is “yes” and for more details this reporter contacted its spies, er, contacts in Estes Park for the latest details. Only Kim agreed to speak on the record.
I obtained the following insight from someone we will identify only as Insider #1: “Well we never really expected to get to Allenspark before around 2025 in the first place. This is what we in Estes Park call a “forever project,” meaning that, like the electricity we have provided since the 1930s, it takes us forever to get up there. But once we ARE up there, we’re there forever, and once the basic infrastructure is all set up, it also takes forever to change anything. You only have one chance to do it right the first time. That’s what we’re doing.”
Insider #2 had a slightly different take. “A lot of people don’t know this, but since 1983 we’ve only had one person willing to go up to Allenspark at all. Allensparkionians can be, like, kinda crazy or ornery, you know? Our guy was Ralph, and a couple years ago, right in the middle of the Trailblazer roll out, we found out, sadly, that Ralph was dead. He was just sitting at his desk, all quiet, but there was nothing at all unusual about that. So it’s taken us some time to onboard a few new bright-eyed kids right out of school who didn’t know anything about Allenspark and aren’t afraid to go up there. But they have to be trained, and splicing internet fiber isn’t like pouring milk on cereal, you know what I mean?”
Insider #3, who clearly went to college, had this to say: “Say you build a railroad from Big City A to Small City B. The only way you can do this is to start running trains along the track you first build between A and the first stop, build more track, service the second stop, build more track, service the third stop, and so on. How long it takes to build the final stretch of track, to Small City B, depends in part on how much service you have along the intervening stops. The simple fact is, Allenspark has always been the last stop on the choo-choo line for pretty much any service, public or private, you can think of. Look where it is. It’s just simple geography.”
Insider #4 blamed it all on the weather: “If it was always summer we could have had Allenspark lit up a year ago. But surprise! it’s not always summer in Allenspark. We only have so many snow tires, oxygen tanks, and hazmat suits – hey, we’re a public utility, right? And the timing has just been horrendous – every time Allenspark was next on the list…BAM! winter hits, so hello Glen Haven. Sorry Allenspark…I guess it just sucks to be you.”
Insider #5 claimed that minor administrative error has played a role, if not a decisive one: “We sent two people do to a survey of Meeker Park…and they just vanished. I mean, like into thin air. Turns out that they went to Meeker, Colorado on the other side of the state. They ran out of gas, found a weed dispensary, and have been living there high and happy ever since. The paperwork we had to fill out on that one took months.”
When contacted for verification of the above insider intelligence, Trailblazer Customer Experience Manager Kim Smith replied: “I can neither confirm nor deny any of these reports. I can say that Allenspark’s wait is almost over. Most of Glen Haven, which was a very challenging area for us, now has service, and we will finally bring Trailblazer broadband to Allenspark in 2024. We’re saving the best for last! In the meantime, we are sending an email to all Allenspark folks who have registered in our system to inform them of our latest plans, and we are working to coordinate a Town Hall meeting in Allenspark in early December to answer the community’s questions. All we’re waiting for is Ralph to wake up. I swear that guy sleeps like he’s dead.”Back to Blog